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SPEC5-min read

7 Vital Parenting Skills for Teaching Kids With ADHD

By Frank Dixon

#ADHD#positive parenting#discipline#executive function#social skills#emotional regulation#behavior management

Section 1: Analysis & Insights

Executive Summary​

Thesis: You cannot punish the ADHD out of a child. Traditional discipline (yelling, time-outs, removing privileges) often backfires because ADHD is a deficit of execution, not knowledge. Dixon argues that parents must become "External Frontal Lobes" for their children, providing the structure, regulation, and dopamine that their brains lack, until they can build those skills themselves. Unique Contribution: The book simplifies complex behavioral therapy into 7 "Vital Skills." It’s less about understanding the neuroscience (though it covers that) and more about the mechanics of day-to-day survival: how to give a command, how to set a routine, and how to stop yelling. Target Outcome: A home where the parent stops being the "bad cop" and starts being the "coach," resulting in less conflict and more compliance.

Chapter Breakdown​

  • Part I: The Foundation: Understanding the ADHD brain and the "Positive Parenting" shift.
  • Part II: The 7 Skills: Structure, Expectations, Distractions, Attention, Rewards, Consequences, and Ignoring.

Nuanced Main Topics​

The "Positive Attention" Tank​

ADHD brains are dopamine-starved. If they can't get positive attention (praise), they will seek negative attention (misbehavior). Dixon argues you must fill the "Attention Tank" before you need something.

  • The Tactic: 15 minutes of "Special Time" daily where you do whatever they want, with zero corrections. This buys you compliance later.

The "Ignore" Button​

Parents of ADHD kids often correct everything. (Stop tapping, sit still, don't hum). This leads to "Command Fatigue."

  • The Tactic: Ignore mild, annoying behaviors. Save your energy (and their listening bandwidth) for the dangerous or disrespectful stuff.

The "Structure" Scaffold​

ADHD kids crave novelty but need routine.

  • The Tactic: Visual schedules. Use pictures, not just words. Post them at the point of performance (e.g., a toothbrushing checklist taped to the bathroom mirror).

Section 2: Actionable Framework

The Checklist​

  • The "Command" Audit: Are you giving chain commands? ("Go upstairs, brush your teeth, and get your shoes"). Stop. Give one command at a time.
  • The "Eye-Level" Rule: Never yell a command from another room. Walk over, make eye contact, and say it.
  • The "Token" Economy: Set up a jar with marbles/tokens for specific behaviors. Immediate rewards work better than delayed ones.
  • The "Distraction" Sweep: Before homework, remove everything from the table except the pencil and paper.

Implementation Steps (Process)​

Process 1: The "Effective Command" Protocol​

Purpose: To ensure compliance without yelling. Steps:

  1. Proximity: Stand within 3 feet.
  2. Attention: Say their name. wait for eye contact.
  3. Command: Give one specific instruction ("Put your shoes on"). Not a question ("Can you put your shoes on?").
  4. Wait: Wait 5 seconds without speaking. (Processing time).
  5. Praise/Repeat: If they do it, praise immediately. If not, repeat once calmly.

Process 2: The "When-Then" Routine​

Purpose: To use high-frequency activities to reward low-frequency ones. Steps:

  1. Identify: What do they want to do? (Video games). What do they need to do? (Homework).
  2. Structure: "WHEN you finish your math sheet, THEN you can play Minecraft."
  3. Stick: Never give the "Then" before the "When." (No credit).

Process 3: The "Time-In" Adjustment​

Purpose: To regulate emotions instead of isolating them. Steps:

  1. Notice: Catch the escalation early.
  2. Relocate: "Let's go sit on the couch together." (Not a punishment corner).
  3. Co-Regulate: Sit silently or breathe together.
  4. Debrief: Only talk about what happened after everyone is calm.

Common Pitfalls​

  • Correcting the "Wiggle": Constantly telling an ADHD child to sit still uses up their willpower. Let them wiggle if they are working.
  • Delayed Punishments: "No TV on Friday" meant something on Monday to a neurotypical kid. To an ADHD kid, Friday is a million years away. Consequences must be immediate.
  • Taking it Personally: Their impulsivity is not disrespect. It is a biological firing. When you take it personally, you escalate the conflict.
  • Inconsistency: Giving in "just this once" teaches them that "No" actually means "Keep Asking."